To my little one, Zohariya Lev, the story of your birth…​

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I spent all day Friday studying for my final exam, I had just realized that it was going to be the last Shabbat that Abba and I had just the two of us, so we decided to have dinner just us. I felt kind of crampy here and there, but I honestly didn’t think too much of it.

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After dinner we laid on the couch outside, looking at the stars, drinking wine. I started feeling some light contractions and I even said to Abba “what if I just had a baby?” but I still didn’t really think I was going into labour. I remember feeling unattached to the world, to all possible outcomes, something about your impending arrival made me more present than I had ever been.

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I slept the whole night through and woke up sure that those little contractions I had felt were nothing but you shifting around inside. We went for a walk, and again we talked about all the what ifs, what if you came now, what if I didn’t take my final, what if this was it... we ate watermelon and spent the day in the pool.

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As the day came to an end, I had this feeling that I should talk to my mother, your Grammy, just to let her know what was going on even though I still didn’t really believe that I was going into labor. Your abba insisted on letting leigh know what was going on...

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I got into bed, Abba went to work and Grammy and Aviva got on a plane. The contractions started getting stronger, but I laid in bed and tried to rest. I heard my mothers voice in my head saying to every mama she had ever helped have her baby “rest while you can”, so that’s what I did. Abba came to check on me every few hours and I took a showers. As the night went on the contractions got stronger and stronger. At about 2am I called Abba and told him that the contractions were starting to hurt. By 3am Abba came home from work and got into bed with me. I remember the first contraction that really hurt, I couldn’t lay down anymore during it, I had to move my hips around, I looked at Abba and told him that “I needed to cry this one out” and so I did.

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I was in and out of the shower more often, the hot water felt nice on my lower back. I leaned on the sink during contractions as you made your way down.

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As morning came, I felt I could no longer stay in bed so I got up, the sun was rising and I knew in my heart that this was the day you were coming. The world faded into the background and slowly my existence narrowed into you and I.

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Leigh and Eden came soon after that and started setting up the house, giving me space to labour, giving you space to make your way to us. I ate a date and tried to drink water. I walked up and down the hallway and around the living room. Leigh made me scrambled eggs and even though I really didn’t want to eat them – she made me.

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In between contractions I chatted with Eden who was sitting on the couch. I put on john Mayer which was comforting because I know every word and every note and so it played in the background without me noticing.

At a certain point I felt nauseous, and I began to transition into more active labour. I continued to go in and out of the shower and I felt my world narrowing and darkening. But darkening in a light kind of a way. Some contractions hurt more than others, but it was almost as if I had forgotten any sort of reality that did not consist of these waves. It felt good to walk around and keep moving, sometimes leaning on the massage table we had set up. Leigh wanted me to try to rest more between contractions, but that position wasn’t good for you, I knew that because it hurt more when I sat or laid down. I changed the music and sang to you that I would be your chariot. But I had to listen to you, and so I kept walking around moaning a deep moan. I tried to make my moan longer than each contraction, to keep my body loose so that I would not block your journey down.

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At a certain point I asked Leigh and Eden to cover up the windows in the living room because I needed the room to be darker. At this point I didn’t have much of a break between contractions, it was like standing in the ocean where the waves come up to your ankles…sometimes your standing ankle deep in water and sometimes the tide goes but the sand underneath your toes is always wet. Kind of like love…. sometimes you feel it more than others but its always there.

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I really wanted to get into the birth tub, Abba had gone to get one but there was some problem blowing it up. Gilad and him were outside trying to set it up. I was in the shower, and I remember feeling uncomfortable that Gilad would hear me moan. I felt like a child, and I cried out that I really wanted to get into the tub.

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Leigh and Eden boiled water on the stove and prepared to fill the tub for me. Finally, I got into the water and I felt my whole body melt into the comforting warmth of the water. I was finally able to relax in between contractions. I drank orange juice with ice, leigh and abba wiped my forehead with a freezing cold towel. The contractions got stronger and stronger, and I swayed about in the tub trying to follow your movement. I leaned on Abba, and he held me as I worked through the contractions. For most of that time I kept looking at him, he made me feel safe and seen.

I started to get impatient, and I wanted to know where you were, so I put my finger into my vagina to see if I could feel you and felt the sack, like a full water balloon. With the next contraction I felt I wanted to start pushing to bring you faster, I kept my finger there so that I could feel you and my fingernail must have perforated the membrane because my water broke.

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Either before or after that, I don’t remember, leigh offered to try something to help you come down. I stood and leaned on her while she was behind me and she lifted my belly, but it hurt too much and didn’t feel so desperate enough for it to be over to go through that pain, I preferred to stay with the contractions and your rhythm of coming.

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I stayed in the pool for a while longer. I knew you were coming soon because I felt present and clear again. Leigh said to me “את צלולה” which was the sign to me that you were ready to be born. I saw the clock and it was 3 something in the afternoon. I knew that my mother was not going to make it in time.

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I started feeling hot and dizzy and decided to get out of the pool, I thought I would try to sit and push on the toilet because I thought it would be easier to push that way. I spent maybe 2 contractions on the toilet, but I was feeling a little lightheaded and I felt like my intuition was giving way. I trusted the people around me to guide me and let go of needing to do it all on my own. Leigh said I should try to lay on the bed, it didn’t feel intuitive to me, but I decided to try it. I really did trust.

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I kept feeling your head as you came closer and closer. I laid on the bed on my side and lifted my left leg and pushed as hard as I could. I kept my hand there as your head started to come out. I asked leigh to hold my leg up and I with the next contraction your head was out, moments later your body slid out and you were on my chest. And you were so little.

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The world stopped, and you had arrived. I don’t even remember you crying. Your eyes were wide open, and a song played, my prayer, my thankfulness.

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"מלך על כל העולם כולו בכבדך, והנשא על כל הארץ ביקרך, והופע בהדר גאון עזך על כל יושבי תבל ארצך"

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The umbilical cord kept pulsing for an hour after you were born, and leigh patiently waited for the placenta to be born. I didn’t feel any contractions and didn’t feel like it was coming. Grammy and Aviva walked in what felt like moments after you were born. I was trying to nurse, and the placenta still hadn’t come. We agreed to try some Pitocin to help the placenta come even though I didn’t really want to.

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I eventually got up while you were still attached and went to the bathroom to try and pee. I sat with my mother in the bathroom and the placenta finally was born.

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We cut the cord. Abba finally held you for the first time while I showered and then we all got into bed. Peacefully whole. A new family, born along with you.